Joke at Work

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I called a company and asked to speak to Bob... 

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who
answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"








The police arrested a guy who claimed his name was...

The police arrested a guy who claimed his name was Marvin Fuckbreak.  They
phoned his place of employ to ensure that was really his name.  The 
officer said "Do you have a Fuckbreak there?"   The person on the other 
end said "Hell no, we don't even get a coffee break!"



Press the alarm button

I started a new job the other day, and while riding the elevator,
noticed a sign which read (THIS IS NOT MADE-UP):

        "If elevator should malfunction or doors not open, 
        don't be alarmed.  Please press the alarm button."

Is it just me, or does anybody else find this outrageously funny?



At one job I had, the boss man got the idea...

At one job I had, the boss man got the idea that the IT
department should be living up to the slogan, "Giving every
user what they need."

I politely requested, "How do we get them to turn around so
we can kick them in the ass?" It went over quite well, the room
fell out laughing. I don't work there any more.




IDIOTS AT WORK

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card.  She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her.  She carefully
compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.




IDIOTS IN SERVICE

This week, all our phones went dead and I had to call the phone
repair people.  They promised to be out between 8 a.m. and 7 p.m.
When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window,he asked
and I quote, "Would you like us to call before we come?"
He also requested that we report future outages by email.  Does
YOUR email work without a telephone line??????



IDIOTS IN MANAGEMENT

At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who
is leaving the company due to "downsizing" our manager spoke up
and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more
often."  Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each
other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.




IDIOTS WITH COMPUTERS

I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the life of her, could not understand why
her system would not turn on.



Mouse Balls

NOTE:   I don't know how anyone could write this with a straight face! 
This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to its 
employees.  It went to all the company's field engineers, and it was in 
regard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was
quite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor!  (Especially note the 
last sentence!) 

INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS 

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). 
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, 
it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by  
properly trained personnel. 

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the 
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than 
foreign balls. 

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the 
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.  Domestic 
balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. 

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive.  However, excessive handling 
can result in sudden discharge. 

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. 
It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining 
optimum customer satisfaction.  Any customer missing his balls should 
contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these 
necessary items.




There are men in Guam whose full-time job is...

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel
the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay
them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry.



Young Kristin, the editor of our trivia publication...

Young Kristin, the editor of our trivia publication, was having
trouble with her computer. So she called Wes, the computer guy,
over to her desk.
Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was
walking away Kristin called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
A puzzled expression ran riot over Kristin's face. "An ID ten T
error?" What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an ID ten T error before?"
"No."
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So she pulled out a piece of paper and marked down, I-D-one-zero-T,
and stared at it for a second while Wes beat a hasty retreat.
Needless to say he gave Kristin's desk a wide berth the rest of the day.



An amateur translator from English to Japanese...

An amateur translator from English to Japanese happened to find a 
temporary job. The first he has to do is this; " Go the extra mile.
It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker."

Because the Japanese translator does not have a sense to understand
the above, his work in Japanese reads; "Don't go the extra mile, or
it reveals you as an incompetent slacker like your boss."



As a younger man, I was in great shape...

As a younger man, I was in great shape. As an airline pilot , I was 
required to have a Flight physical every six months. 
The nurse took the basic data, weight, height, and blood pressure. My 
pressure was good, but the heart rate was below 40 beats per minute. 
"I cannot put that number down. You'll be denied a physical.",she said. 
"What can I do?", I replied. 
She held my hand and winked,saying, "Just think about that for a minute!" 
Retaking my blood pressure and heart rate, she stated, "53 will be OK,
but you really know how to hurt a girl!" 

Negotiations between union members and their employer... Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!" A letter from a disgruntled employee At my new job we a have a general mailbox into which people send requests for updates and changes. I am completely serious when I tell you that today we received the following mail. 1)There is a sing where the rotisserie chicken is served stating that you get a 20oz soda with the meal...but the cashers says that it is wrong & it should say 16oz...that's not a problem but the cashers by the snack/entrence section have a very nasty attitude about it. 2)Today(4/25/01) the was "Seafood Pasta Primavera" on the menu but instead they had chicken parmesian--again this is not the problem. The problem is those same damn cashers at the entrance--they charged me for the seafood pasta which is $4.95 instead of the chicken pamesian which is $4.95. I explained the situation to them but they just dont want to hear what I have to say. I'm really disgusted with the way the cafateria is being run. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card... MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE !!! A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card! number, so she was using the ATM "thingy". Out of paper Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. A diver's story Think of this guy the next time you think you are having a bad day! Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my asshole was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass! I just gotta wake up faster in the morning... I just gotta wake up faster in the morning, as well as keep my mind on where I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. I was sitting at the kitchen table the other morning, having my first cup of coffee, mulling over my upcoming tasks at work for the day. The wife came downstairs and I kissed her casually, saying "Good Morning." then, I said, "Take a letter, please babe." Brain boggler Go into Wendy's around 9:00 p.m. Nobody in the store. I ordered a Frosty. The guy at the counter pushed the little button on his register and leaned into the microphone and said "Frosty". He then proceeded to turn around and draw the drink HIMSELF! I asked why he used the mike, and his response was, "That's the way I was trained to do it. If I don't, I get confused". I do system support in a law firm... I do system support in a law firm. The other day I had to log a user off and then back on. I entered her initials and then she just gave me her password (Rule No. 1 broken). Her password is genius. After three tries and the system telling me "access denied," I asked her how to spell it. She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S." There's one in every crowd. A window seat IQ wanted me to know there's more than one "Judi" out there. Her husband's secretary (Edna) one time shredded her (Edna) own paycheck. Then she booked her boss on a flight and said, "I even got you a window seat because I know how you like to smoke." According to a study conducted by Kaiser Permanente... According to a study conducted by Kaiser Permanente, prostitutes can suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder on a par with veterans of the Vietnam war. I think I speak for a lot of men when I say, "are there still volunteer spots available in this study?" A company trying to continue its five-year perfect... A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. Start playing golf Did you know who in 1923 was: 1.President of the largest steel company? 2.President of the largest gas company? 3.President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4.Greatest wheat speculator? 5.President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6.Great Bear of Wall Street? These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men? 1.The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2.The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane. 3.The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4.The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5.The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6.The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide. The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent. Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing golf. Help Wanted: Advertising publication needs 1 FT person, exp. with ad copy, layout, proofreading, and some secretarial skills. A fly in the urinal Tuesday's Wall Street Journal has an article about the Dutch takeover of JFK airport's International Arrivals building. The Dutch have some interesting ideas on how to clean it up: In Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain. "It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%. "We will put flies in the urinals -- yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control." His New York public relations attendant titters. "Fine, laugh at me," Mr. Jansen says. "It works." April Fools: Boss teaser Here's an easy one we did for our boss. Sign him up for a crossdresser weekly subscription or some other form of perversion (North America Man Boy Love Association). Address it to his name but under his neighbors address. Do this several times. Also, if you have his home phone, there's nothing like placing his name and number in homosexual personal ads...